Holy Shnikeys, we went out for a 3 day training mission on Friday. It started off as a total shit show.
It’s 0330 and I’m having some sort of Lacey Chabert/Personal Pan Pizza dream on my cot. I’m roused by Sergeant Halliday shaking me awake. He tells me they’re heading out in 15 minutes and if I want to go with them, get my shit packed and be at the deuce and a half in 10.
Luckily I had the presence of mind to grab my hand held, a few batteries, my OD Green Government Issued rain jacket and a few pairs of SmartWool socks. On the short list of things I wish I would have had-my Ipod, some Snickers bars, and a BJ.
I get to the truck on time and the platoon is forming up. Sergeant Halliday, a staff sergeant in charge of one of the squads yells at me through a mouth full of Copehagen to ‘Get my ass in the truck and sit down.’ How the hell can anyone dip so early in the morning?
Well, they call out roll call and form up on the platoon leader. He gives them a prayer, we load up and we’re off by 0345. It’s at this point I learn that it is only a training mission for NBC (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) warfare. I find myself both grateful and shit-my-pants-scared because it’s not the real thing yet, but I mean come on, chemical warfare? You fucking serious?
The ride to our make believe combat zone is quiet. Effing Sargeant Halliday, certified ball breaker, keeps on making Anderson Cooper jokes at my expense. I reply without impunity while using ‘monkey fucker’ as a comma.
We arrive at 0700 at the base of some unknown (to me) mountain. It looks like fucking Mt. Doom and I get a sinking feeling in my heart.
Well, I’m not going to say what we did, found, or practiced but I will say that in summary, this platoon is filled with some of the biggest badasses I know or will ever know. Writing about our 3 days training is meaningless. I basically tried to keep up and watch and learn. I was tired from the first minute, smelled like Arab country asshole by the second, and I was ready to eat by the third.
My feet are blistered to all Hell and I have crotch rot and swamp ass like a fat chick in a steeple chase. I feel like I could sleep for days and eat a whole cow. I acquired a taste for dip and can now see the attraction towards tobacco. I feel AMERICAN.
“If there’s a world left when this is all over, I’d like to buy you a beer.”
Tags: Biological warfare, Chemical Warfare, Lacey Chabert, Middle East, Mission, Nuclear Warfare, War on Terror
